- My pain has been increasing recently. This both sucks in the short term (I have things to get done!) and is worrisome in the longer-term (what if this is more permanent?).
- I still haven’t decided what to do about these new meds. Are they helping my pain? Hard to tell. How much less anxious would I be if I got off them? It’s been two months, the anxiety’s become normalized, it’s hard to tell. How much should I be caring about the fact that they’re really screwing with my memory? That’s such an existential question, and mentally healthy me doesn’t do existential questions.
- I’ve been told by two therapists in a row that we “aren’t a good fit.” Rejection sucks. And it’s a waste of time, of money, of mental energy…
- It’s been a week and I still haven’t heard any more about my “informal job offer” and this is making me antsy. I’ve gotten rejected for two more jobs in the interim (one that I thought I was a good candidate for, another one where they re-opened the search, ouch). While I know that the academic job market it tough, particularly for foreigners, particularly for someone whose CV is sprinkled with holes and red flags, rejection’s still hard.
- A collaborator whose opinion I value is getting very stressed about some data version control issues that we’ve been having. Which I absolutely get — the data’s messy and it’s mostly my fault and it’s a high-stakes situation (time crunch, Big Name Publication, her professional life’s a bit overwhelming, this project is massive and basically everything about it except me has sucked and now I’m sucking and that, well, sucks). But, like, when I screw up it’s a Big Deal but when she screws up everyone just shrugs, and I’m getting a bit sick of the double standard. Also a bunch of people get CC’d whenever she tells me off for screwing something up and it’s like…seriously? You couldn’t tell me off in private?
- Two separate collaborators want analyses that I’ve promised them and have I done these analyses yet no I have not.
- My supervisor also wants analyses and have I done these analyses no I have not.
- My former PhD supervisor decided that last week would be the week that she decided to remind me about all the things that I should be publishing out of my PhD and it’s like…yes, I’m aware of all of these things…
- The fact that I have so many unfinished projects and am not finishing them is starting to look less like an unfortunate situational coincidence and more like a character flaw and it’s like, damn, what exactly am I supposed to do about this??